New Years Drive Because Life Likes To Slap You Sometimes

So I went on a New Years Drive instead of a walk because I didn't want to provoke my illness and my walking partner (AKA my dog) was too terrified to come on a walk because of fireworks going off in my neighborhood. My pictures aren't very high quality because well moving+picture taking=not so pretty quality. Even though these pictures are blurry, each one is significant to me. They are all painful to think about, but a relief at the same time. They all posses a memory.

I have to admit I despised the drive the whole time. I don't like being left alone to my own thoughts. It never ends well. It always ends in wounds being picked at, or reopened. This drive for sure did that. I look at all these pictures and I see things I've done wrong. Things that I've tried to escape, but have made me who I am all at the same time.  I would explain these pictures, but they're too personal to get into.

Although most of this was negative, there were still some positive parts to this. I've decided my decisions this year are going to be for me and not for anyone else's benefit. That may sound selfish, but I'm talking college. I'm going to go to the college that will benefit my future. I'm going to start doing the hobbies that I want to be a part of. I'm currently starting a couple hobbies that are not only beneficial to me, but beneficial to others. I just want to do things for me this year. I always choose to do what others want me to do, but now, it's my turn to do what I want because life is coming to the point where it's about making your own life. I dread this so much. I hate making decisions, specifically decisions that negatively affect the people I love.  This year is going to suck and be great all at the same time.

I have to take it one day at a time. I have to admit that I am planning things that can't happen for another two to four years. I know I need to stop because things will happen and things will change. There are so many things that I want to do right now that I know people would be against. I wish I could make my life my own. I know that won't happen until I am out of college. I really hate having to talk about this. I'm trying to stop thinking about these things, but that's kind of the purpose of this assignment.

Also, I don't want to think about how I want to change this year. I like to take a hiatus during the month of January when I want to change myself, or plan for the year to come because I feel like a fake. I don't want to be the person who plans on going to the gym and buys a year membership and uses it for the first week of the year. I want to change on my own time, and I want to do it when it's not expected. You can change your life at any point in the year. It doesn't have to be at the beginning of the year. This is why I hate New Year's Resolutions so much. This is a rant my brain went on during my drive.

Driving as the sun started setting was also a purposeful thing. I love the night time. It's when I'm the most brave and when I come up with my best ideas. The morning is always when I talk myself out of things that I thought of the night before. I think that's why I like to do my homework later in the day even though it's nice to relax until bedtime.

It was really difficult to come out of this with anything positive to be honest. The whole time I was fighting the negative. I really do not thrive when I am forced to try and come up with positive things and renew myself. These types of things have to be an epiphany for me. If it isn't an epiphany, it's because I have to force it. The whole drive I was thinking, okay something life changing for the year, and then I see (pictures) the things that make me an awful person that just put me in a pessimistic mood. I kind of wish this assignment was a year long thing that was like, do it when you're feeling enlightened. I feel like this would be a happier blog that way. I've had this rejuvenation type walks before, but it has always been when I wanted to do it and when I felt that I needed it.

Also, I realize that some of these things are very vague. I don't like sharing my epiphanies. I tend to keep them inside until I feel comfortable talking about them. I need to be ready to share my thoughts. I don't like telling them on demand. For example, I have been toying with a life motto for about two months now. No one knows what this motto is. I feel like it wouldn't be special if I shared it with just anyone right now.  I will share it one day, but for now, it would cause a negative kickback if I shared it.

To be honest, my entire drive was me fighting with myself. It was me fighting to think about lie when I didn't want to. It was me fighting the negative thoughts. It was me fighting to not be introverted. It was me trying to fight against everything I believe. I think the most common thought I had was nope I can't.

The most positive thought I had was about how gorgeous God's creation is. I am so sorry Mrs. Myers.