Worlds by Richard Wilbur (Poetry Madness)

For Alexander there was no Far East,
Because he thought the Asian continent
India ended. Free Cathay at least
Did not contribute to his discontent.

But Newton, who had grasped all space, was more
Serene. To him it seemed that he'd but played
With several shells and pebbles on the shore
Of that profundity he had not made.

Swiss Einstein with his relativity -
Most secure of all. God does not play dice
With the cosmos and its activity.
Religionless equations won't suffice. 

New Years Drive Because Life Likes To Slap You Sometimes

So I went on a New Years Drive instead of a walk because I didn't want to provoke my illness and my walking partner (AKA my dog) was too terrified to come on a walk because of fireworks going off in my neighborhood. My pictures aren't very high quality because well moving+picture taking=not so pretty quality. Even though these pictures are blurry, each one is significant to me. They are all painful to think about, but a relief at the same time. They all posses a memory.

I have to admit I despised the drive the whole time. I don't like being left alone to my own thoughts. It never ends well. It always ends in wounds being picked at, or reopened. This drive for sure did that. I look at all these pictures and I see things I've done wrong. Things that I've tried to escape, but have made me who I am all at the same time.  I would explain these pictures, but they're too personal to get into.

Although most of this was negative, there were still some positive parts to this. I've decided my decisions this year are going to be for me and not for anyone else's benefit. That may sound selfish, but I'm talking college. I'm going to go to the college that will benefit my future. I'm going to start doing the hobbies that I want to be a part of. I'm currently starting a couple hobbies that are not only beneficial to me, but beneficial to others. I just want to do things for me this year. I always choose to do what others want me to do, but now, it's my turn to do what I want because life is coming to the point where it's about making your own life. I dread this so much. I hate making decisions, specifically decisions that negatively affect the people I love.  This year is going to suck and be great all at the same time.

I have to take it one day at a time. I have to admit that I am planning things that can't happen for another two to four years. I know I need to stop because things will happen and things will change. There are so many things that I want to do right now that I know people would be against. I wish I could make my life my own. I know that won't happen until I am out of college. I really hate having to talk about this. I'm trying to stop thinking about these things, but that's kind of the purpose of this assignment.

Also, I don't want to think about how I want to change this year. I like to take a hiatus during the month of January when I want to change myself, or plan for the year to come because I feel like a fake. I don't want to be the person who plans on going to the gym and buys a year membership and uses it for the first week of the year. I want to change on my own time, and I want to do it when it's not expected. You can change your life at any point in the year. It doesn't have to be at the beginning of the year. This is why I hate New Year's Resolutions so much. This is a rant my brain went on during my drive.

Driving as the sun started setting was also a purposeful thing. I love the night time. It's when I'm the most brave and when I come up with my best ideas. The morning is always when I talk myself out of things that I thought of the night before. I think that's why I like to do my homework later in the day even though it's nice to relax until bedtime.

It was really difficult to come out of this with anything positive to be honest. The whole time I was fighting the negative. I really do not thrive when I am forced to try and come up with positive things and renew myself. These types of things have to be an epiphany for me. If it isn't an epiphany, it's because I have to force it. The whole drive I was thinking, okay something life changing for the year, and then I see (pictures) the things that make me an awful person that just put me in a pessimistic mood. I kind of wish this assignment was a year long thing that was like, do it when you're feeling enlightened. I feel like this would be a happier blog that way. I've had this rejuvenation type walks before, but it has always been when I wanted to do it and when I felt that I needed it.

Also, I realize that some of these things are very vague. I don't like sharing my epiphanies. I tend to keep them inside until I feel comfortable talking about them. I need to be ready to share my thoughts. I don't like telling them on demand. For example, I have been toying with a life motto for about two months now. No one knows what this motto is. I feel like it wouldn't be special if I shared it with just anyone right now.  I will share it one day, but for now, it would cause a negative kickback if I shared it.

To be honest, my entire drive was me fighting with myself. It was me fighting to think about lie when I didn't want to. It was me fighting the negative thoughts. It was me fighting to not be introverted. It was me trying to fight against everything I believe. I think the most common thought I had was nope I can't.

The most positive thought I had was about how gorgeous God's creation is. I am so sorry Mrs. Myers.

I Am Thankful For Missy And My Butt

I am thankful for my Missy! She makes me soooo happy! I'm thankful for all the nights that she has cuddled with me. I am thankful for all the times that she has curled up in my lap when I'm sitting in the chair. I'm thankful for all of the kisses that she has given me. I am thankful for the loyalty that she has shown me for so many years. I am thankful that she puts up with my shenanigans and that she lets me put hats on her. I'm thankful that she loves me with all of her doggie heart.

I am thankful for my Butt. I am thankful for all of her cuteness. I am thankful for all of the times she has made me giggle. I am thankful for all of the times she has done cute tricks for me. I am thankful that she gets so excited to see me every time that I walk in the room. I am thankful that she loves me so much that she wants to rub her dog stink on me because it's so adorable. I am thankful for her playfulness. I'm thankful that she responds to me calling her butt. I'm thankful that she loves me with all of her doggie heart as well.

The Soul and the Goal

Fighting conflicts in my despairing heart

Memory ripping into different thoughts

Generous jabs conquer the work of art

Stabbing visits shortly amongst the shots

The window glares at me, bearing its teeth

Bowing slowly as not to upset it

Throwing aside bloody freezing sword sheath

Cower I must avoid until I hit

Falling into the jail of killer dirt
Digging quickly with cupped bleeding fingers
Snoozing above as it slumbers unhurt
The fight rising within that which lingers

The thoughts sometimes consume the soul
Alas I must begin running the goal

I Am Antigone! Hear My Dead Voice!

Dear Haemon,

I, Antigone, do believe that I have done right by burying my beloved brother, Polynices, properly. It is the law of the gods! They may strike us down in a moment! We must remember that "We have only a little time to please the living, But eternity to love the dead" (129). What is a simple transgression against the soil if it means being paid in full for it after death? And please do recall, living without burying Polynices would be to "defy the holiest laws of heaven" (129). Why must we fear a simple man of soil when the gods are what rule us? We must fight for the will of the gods. It is only what can be done if you want to live a happy eternity. I will stand at no man's feet and plead for my life over my actions. In the end, he will have no say in my eternity. 

Furthermore, Polynices may have betrayed Thebes, but he will always be my blood. Look deep at the past of the story of my blood. “How we who are left must suffer for our father, Oedipus” (126). How much suffering do you wish Ismene and I to bare? Even though Ismene is as simple as every woman in Thebes, I know it caused her great sorrow to know Polynices would be denied a proper burial. I do not agree with her obeying the law of the land over the law of the gods, and I will not be swayed from my decisions. Polynices was my brother! My last brother! With "father and mother lost, where would I get Another brother?" (150). You must understand my issue! I could get another husband, or another son, but to receive another brother at this point is impossible. 

But alas, do not pity me! It was my own decision. I will receive my consequences with honor. Honor from the gods. Let it be known, that I would never have changed anything. By the time you read this, dear Haemon, I will be dead. But you must remember, it is what I needed to do. "If this [ban on my brother's burial] is God's will, I shall learn my lesson In death" (150).I do not possess a care in the world that would change my mind as of this moment. All I care to know, is that dear Polynices is buried properly and will receive his proper standing in heaven. You will find other fields to plow, so you mustn't be sad. 

With much love,

Antigone

She's Smart and Stupid. She's Put Together and a Mess.

She is so scared and confused as we ride the light rail. She keeps talking about the irrational idea that the light rail will fall of the tracks and kill us all. She’s always been extremely irrational with her fears. I watch her attempt to understand the map, trying to navigate it on her own, but she gives up and gives the map to me. I don’t understand. She always seems to understand anything that anyone gives her. Why can she not follow simple directions to get to her destination? It’s easier than anything we are learning in school. The directions aren’t even confusing and yet they confuse her to no end. I mean she passed with an A in Physics.

                

I navigate us through the roads and we reach our destination. There are three doors that lead into the same building, but only one of the doors lead into the correct area of the building. We end up trying all three because she can’t remember which door leads to the correct area. She can pass all of her classes, yet she can’t remember a simple path through a building. Oddly enough, she remembers the number of the floor she is supposed to go to as if it was imbedded in her mind. We travel up to the seventeenth floor of the building.

                

I still don’t know what her appointment is for. Her mother is a nurse and usually tends to all of her illnesses that she gets so frequently. Why are we in the middle of Downtown Seattle for an hour long appointment?

               

  I wait for her as her appointment goes on.  She comes out seeming slightly exhausted from the appointment. She is hurried to talk about any other subject that she can. She can’t be that sick, or else all of our family would know. 

               

  My Aunt says before she takes me home, we have to put in some prescriptions. That’s when it dawns on me. She was at the Psychiatrist. But, why? She never seems to show any sign of having a psychological illness. She is responsible and she gets good grades. What could possibly be wrong with her? I try to get her to talk about what her appointment was for just to hear explain what it is, but she keeps avoiding my question, making jokes and changing the subject.

              

I may never know what is exactly wrong with her, but I do know that I can see her fear of everything outside of academics. She is kind to the point that she would bring me a warm drink on a cold day, but she can’t do anything besides school on her own. Her life is absorbed by something. Something that she isn’t quite ready to talk about with the world.

Personal Statement Rough Draft

              

               There were electrons, neutrons, and protons building fortresses and warring around me. I was weeping because of the pain I felt from watching them hurt each other. I was hallucinating due to a hundred and four point one fever, but at the time, it seemed entirely real to me. My mother decided it was time to take me to the Emergency Room, and for my sake, it was the right decision. The war continued to pop in and out of my reality as I rode to the Emergency Room just down the street from my home. It seemed to take an eerily long time to drive there, but when I arrived they rushed me to a private room where the doctors began testing me for various illnesses. The results came back and the doctor said I was dying from dehydration due to vomiting from an allergic reaction to antibiotics that were wrongfully prescribed to me and a high fever from mononucleosis. He told my mother that if she would have let me sleep through the night, I would have more than likely passed away in my sleep. The doctor gave me fluids and I was on my way home, but my troubles were not over yet.

                I stayed home from school for almost two and a half weeks and even after I started back to school, I had to come home early because I was morbidly weak. For the next year and a half, I was ill at least once a month, so I could hardly participate in anything outside of school. I was extremely disheartened because the thing I loved most about doing things outside of school was making people feel loved and I was tired of not being able to communicate because of illness, and I was running out of homework to do for my classes and wasting away watching television.

 I began searching for something that would fulfill my need to interact with people and that is when I found video games. I had always had a love for video games, but I decided to take my love to a new level and venture into the world of online gaming. I ended up finding the video game League of Legends. Within the first week, I had used my education of the Spanish language to communicate with other players, I had made new friends across the globe, and learned about various mentalities of people. I had always been interested in the different ways people act and why and this game helped me understand a lot of this and helped me become more empathetic to people of all backgrounds. Every day that I was unable to go out of my home, I would get online and talk with the people I had made friends with over Skype as we played. At that point, I played the game to get to know others.

I made one particular friend that I met and played the game with for hours at a time changed my life. This boy I met had had a very difficult life. He explained every difficult detail to me in confidence and I would listen to him for as long as he needed to talk. I always tried my best to make him feel loved and to know that I would never judge him for his past. He ventured on to join the military and we talk every chance we can. He is what made me realize the importance of empathy and the importance of giving people of all backgrounds a chance at friendship. Without him, I think I would still be living a disheartened life.

Altogether, I cannot believe the journey I went through. I never would have thought that I would be at this point in my life today. It all started out with me being deathly ill and progressing to a life with purpose. It all made me realize that I want to get a college education to make a difference in society in any way I possibly can. If I can make one person’s life better with everything I do for the rest of my life, that would be worth everything to me.